WHAT COMES NEXT

CHAPTER ONE

As soon as the door opened, he knew he was dead.

He could see it in the quickly averted eyes, in the small slump of the shoulders, the nervous, hurried manner as the doctor moved rapidly across the room. So the only real questions that immediately leapt to his mind were: How much time did he have? How bad would it be?

He did not have to wait long for the answers.

Adrian Thomas watched as the neurologist shuffled his test results before squirreling down behind his large oaken desk. The physician leaned backwards in his chair then rocked forward, before looking up and saying, “The test results rule out most routine diagnoses…”

Adrian had expected this. MRI. EKG. EEG. Blood. Urine. Ultrasound. Brain scan. A battery of cognitive function exams. It had been more than nine months since he’d first noticed he was forgetting things that were ordinarily easy to remember – a trip to the hardware store where he’d found himself standing in the light bulb aisle with no idea what he had meant to purchase; a time outside on the main street in town, when he’d run into a long time colleague and had blanked instantly on the name of a man who’d occupied the office next to his for over twenty years. Then, six days earlier, he had spent an entire evening hour pleasantly conversing with his long-deceased wife in the living room of the house they had shared since moving to Western Massachusetts. She had even sat in her favorite paisley Queen Anne chair, near the fireplace. When the recognition of what he had done had become clear to him, he had also known that nothing would show up on any computer printout or color photograph of his brain structure. Nevertheless, he had dutifully made an emergency appointment with his internist, who had quickly shipped him over to the specialist. He had patiently answered every question, and allowed himself to be poked, prodded and x-rayed.

He had assumed, in those first minutes of shocked recognition after his dead wife had vanished from his sight, that he was simply going crazy – an unscientific and undisciplined way of defining psychosis or schizophrenia. But then, he had not felt crazy. He had felt quite good, really. It had been more benign, almost as if the hours spent in talk with someone who had died three years earlier, was routine and pleasurable, a conversation not at all dissimilar to those they had frequently enjoyed in all the years of their marriage. They’d talked about his deepening loneliness and why he should take up some pro bono teaching at the university despite his retirement after her death. They’d discussed current movies and interesting books and what he should send his nieces in California for their birthdays. They had debated whether this year they should try to steal down to Cape Cod for a couple of weeks of rest in June, just after the bluefish and stripers started their annual run, before the sun tan crowds really showed up in coolers and umbrellas masses.

As he sat across from the neurologist, he thought to himself that he had made a terrible mistake in even considering for one second that the hallucination was part of an illness, and that he should never have allowed this alarm to frighten him enough to send him to the doctor’s office. He should have thought of it as an advantage. He was completely alone now, and it would have been nice to re-populate his life with people he had once loved, regardless of whether they still existed or not, for however long he had left on this earth.

“Your symptoms suggest…”

He did not want to listen to the doctor, who had an uncomfortable, pained look on his face, and who was much younger than he was. It was unfair, he thought, that someone so young would get to tell him he was going to die. It should have been some gray-haired, God-like physician, with a sonorous voice weary with years of experience, not the high-pitched barely out of elementary school man rocking back and forth nervously in his chair.

He hated the sterile, brightly lit office, with its framed diplomas and wooden bookcases filled with medical texts that he was sure the doctor never opened. Adrian knew the doctor was the sort of man who preferred a couple of quick clicks on a computer keyboard or a Blackberry to find information. He looked about and thought the office was oppressively clean and orderly, as if the natural messiness of a fatal illness wasn’t allowed inside. He looked past the man’s shoulder, out the window, and saw a crow alight on the leafy branches of a nearby willow tree. It was as if the doctor was droning away in some distant world that as of that moment he really wasn’t much of a part of any longer. Just a small part, perhaps. An inconsequential part. For an instant, he imagined that he should listen to the crow instead, and then he had a shock of confusion, where he thought that it was the crow that was speaking to him. That, he insisted inwardly, was unlikely, so he dropped his eyes and forced himself to pay attention to the physician.

“…I am sorry, Professor Thomas,” the neurologist said slowly. He was picking his words with caution. “But I believe you are experiencing the progressive stages of a relatively rare disease called Lewy Body Dementia. Do you know what this is?”

He did, vaguely. He had heard the terms once or twice, although he could not immediately recall where. Perhaps one of the other members of the psychology department at the university had used it in a faculty meeting trying to justify some research or complaining about grant application procedures. Maybe he recalled it from his youth, when he performed clinical work in a VA Hospital. He shook his head anyway. Better to hear it all unvarnished, from someone more expert than he, even if the doctor was far too young.

Words fell into the space between them, like debris from an explosion drifting down, littering the desktop: Steady. Progressive. Rapid Deterioration. Hallucinations. Loss of Bodily Functioning. Loss of Critical Reasoning. Loss of Short-term Memory. Loss of Long-term Memory.

And then finally the death sentence: “…I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but typically, we’re talking five to seven years. Maybe. And I believe you have been suffering from the onset of this disease for some time, so that would be the maximum. And in most cases, things move much more quickly…”

There was a momentary delay, followed by an obsequious, “If you want a second opinion…”

Why, he wondered, would he want to hear bad news twice?

And then an additional and somewhat expected blow: “…There is no cure. There are some medications that can alleviate some of the symptoms – Alzheimer’s drugs, atypical anti-psychotics to treat the visions and delusions – but none of these are guarantees of anything and often times they don’t really help significantly. But they are worth trying to see if they will work to prolong functioning…”

Adrian waited for a small opening, before he said, “But I don’t feel sick.”

The neurologist nodded. “That, too, unfortunately is typical. For a man in his mid-60’s, you are in excellent physical shape. You have the heart of a much younger man…”

“Lots of running and exercise…”

“Well, that’s good.”

“So, I’m healthy enough to watch myself fall apart? Like a ringside seat at my own decline?”

The neurologist did not immediately respond. “Yes…” he finally said. “But some studies have shown that the more mental exercises you do, coupled with continuing an active, exercise filled day to day life, can delay some of the impact on the frontal lobes, which is where this disease is located.”

Adrian nodded. He knew this. He also knew the frontal lobes controlled decision-making processes, and the ability to comprehend the world around him. The frontal lobes were pretty much the part of his brain that had made him who he was and now were going to make him into someone much different and probably unrecognizable. He suddenly did not expect to be Adrian Thomas much longer.

That was the thought that filled him, and he ceased listening to the neurologist, until he heard, “Do you have anyone to help you? Wife? Children? Other relatives? There’s not much time before you’re going to need a dedicated support system. That will be followed by a round-the-clock care facility. I should really speak with these people very soon. Help them to understand what you will be going through…”

The doctor said these words, as he reached for a prescription pad and rapidly started to write down lists of medications.

Adrian smiled. “I have all the help I’m going to need right at home.”

Mister Ruger nine millimeter semi-automatic, he thought. The weapon was located in the top drawer in the nightstand by his bed. The thirteen-shot clip was full, but he knew he would only need to chamber one bullet.

The doctor said some other things about home health care aides and insurance payments, power of attorney and living wills, long term hospital stays and the importance of keeping all his future appointments, sticking to the medicines that he didn’t think were going to slow the pace of the disease but which he should take anyway because they might work a little bit, but Adrian realized he no longer had any real need to pay more attention.

Nestled between several tracts of former farm land that had been developed into modern, upscale mansion-like homes on the outskirts of Adrian’s small college town, was a conservation area, where a wildlife sanctuary covered a modest hill that the locals called a mountain, but which was in reality a mere topographical bump. There was a walking path up Mount Pollux that snaked around through the woods before emerging at a spot that overlooked the valley. It had always bothered him that there was no Mount Castor next to Mount Pollux, and he wondered who had named the hill so pretentiously. Some academic sort, he suspected, from a faculty two hundred years earlier that sported black wool suits and starched white collars as they beat classical education into the students who matriculated at the college. Still, despite his questions about the name and about the overall accuracy of the honorific Mount it was still a place that he’d enjoyed over the years. It was a quiet spot much beloved of town dogs who could be let off their leashes and where one could be alone with their thoughts. That was where he headed, after leaving the doctor’s office.

He parked his old Volvo in a pull out at the base of the path and started hiking up. Ordinarily, he would have worn boots against the early spring mud, and he thought he was likely to ruin his shoes before he’d gone too far.

He told himself that no longer made any difference.

The afternoon was fading around him, and he could feel a caress of cold against his spine. He was not dressed for a walk especially as the creeping New England shadows each carried a breath of leftover winter. Like his rapidly soaking shoes, he ignored the chill.

There was no one else on the path. No bounding golden retrievers dashing into the underbrush in search of some scent or another. Just Adrian alone, walking steadily. He was glad for the solitude. He had the odd thought that if he’d met someone else, he would have been compelled to tell him: “I’ve got a disease you’ve never heard of that’s going to kill me, but first I’m going to be whittled down into nothingness.”

At least with cancer, he thought, or heart disease, you got to stay who you were for as long as you could manage, while it murdered you. He was angry, and he wanted to strike out, hit something, but instead, he simply marched upwards.

He listened to his breathing. It was steady. Normal. Not even labored in the slightest. He thought this unfair. He would have far preferred a tortured, sucking sound, something that told him he was terminal.

It took about thirty minutes for him to reach the summit – such as it was. The remaining sunlight filtered over the tops of some western hills, and he sat on a large ice age outcropping of shale rock, staring off into the valley. The first signs of the New England spring were well underway. He could see early flowers, mostly yellow and purple crocuses poking up through damp soil, trees budding, which gave them a touch of green, darkened their branches like a man’s cheeks who has neglected to shave for a day or so. A flight of Canadian Geese stretched out in a V-shape cruised the air above him, heading north. Their raucous braying echoed through the pale blue sky. It was all so distinctly normal that he felt a little foolish, because what was taking place within him seemed to be out of sync with the rest of the world.

In the distance he could make out the spires of the church in the center of the college campus. The baseball team would be outside, working in the batting cages because the diamond was still covered by a tarpaulin. His office had been close enough so that when he’d opened the window on spring afternoons, he was able to hear the distant sounds of bat against ball. As much as any robin cruising the quadrangles in search of a worm, it had been a welcome sign after the long winter.

Adrian took a deep breath.

“Go home,” he said out loud. “Shoot yourself now while all these things that gave you pleasure are still real. Because the disease is going to take them away.”

He had always thought of himself as a decisive sort of person, and he welcomed the harsh insistence of suicide. He tried to come up with arguments for delay, but none jumped to mind.

Maybe, he told himself, just stay right here. It’s a nice spot. One of his favorites. A good enough place to die. He wondered whether the temperature would drop enough over the course of the night to freeze him to death. He doubted it. He imagined that he would just spend an unpleasant night shivering and coughing and live to see the sun come up, and that this would be embarrassing, even if he was the only person in the world who would have seen sunrise as failure.

Adrian shook his head.

Look around, he told himself. Remember what’s worth remembering. Ignore the rest.

He looked down at his shoes. They were caked with mud and soaked through, and he wondered why he couldn’t feel the damp against his toes.

No more delays, he insisted. Adrian stood up, brushing some of the shale dust from his trousers. He could see shadows seeping through the brush and trees, the path down the mountain darkening with each passing second.

He looked back at the valley. That was where I taught. Over there is where we lived. He wished he could see all the way to the loft in New York City where he’d met his wife and fallen in love for the first time, but he could not. He wished he could see his childhood haunts and places he remembered from all sorts of moments growing up. He wished he could see the Rue Madeleine in Paris and the corner bistro where he and his wife had taken their coffee every morning while on sabbaticals or the Hotel Savoy in Berlin, where they’d stayed in the Marlene Dietrich suite when he had been called upon to give a speech to the Institut fur Psychologie and conceived their only child. He strained, looking east towards the house on the Cape, where he’d spent summers since his youth, and the beaches where he’d learned to throw a fly to cruising striped bass or any of the local trout steams where he’d waded amidst ancient boulders and water that had seemed to be alive with energy.

Lots to miss, he said to himself.

Can’t be helped.

He turned away from what he could and what he couldn’t see and started down the path. It was slow going in the creeping darkness.

He was only a half block from his house, cutting through the rows of modest middle-class, white clapboard homes that were filled with the eclectic selection of other college faculty and local insurance men, dentists, freelance business writers, yoga instructors and life coaches that made up his neighborhood when he spotted the girl walking down the side of the road.

Ordinarily, he would not have paid much attention, but there was something in the determined way the girl was pacing forward that struck him. She seemed filled with purpose. She had dusty blond hair that was tucked up under a bright pink Boston Red Sox hat, and he saw that her dark parka was ripped in a couple of places, as were her jeans. What grabbed his attention was her backpack, which seemed stuffed nearly to overflowing with clothes. At first, he thought she was just walking home after being dropped off by the late bus from the high school, the bus that distributed the kids who had been kept after school for disciplinary reasons. But he noticed fastened to her backpack a large stuffed Teddy Bear and he could not imagine why someone would take a childhood toy to high school. It would have instantly made her the object of ridicule.

He glanced at her face as he rolled past her.

She was young, just barely more than a child, but beautiful in that way that all children on the verge of change are, or, at least, that was what Adrian thought, although it had been many years since he’d actually tried to get to know someone young, in any way other than a class room setting.

She was staring ahead, fiercely.

He did not think she even noticed his car.

Adrian pulled into his driveway, but did not get out from behind the wheel. He thought the girl – was she fifteen? Sixteen? -- he could no longer accurately judge the ages of children – seemed to wear a single-mindedness that spoke of something else. This look fascinated him, jolted his curiosity.

He watched her in his rear view mirror as she walked briskly to the corner.

Then he saw something else, which seemed just slightly out of place in his quiet, determinedly normal neighborhood.

A white panel van, like a small delivery truck, but wearing no insignia on the outside advertising an electrician or a painting service, cruised slowly down his street. He glanced inside, and saw that a woman was driving and a man was in the passenger’s seat. This surprised him. It should have been the other way around, he thought, but then, he considered he was merely being sexist and clichéd. Of course a woman can drive a truck, he told himself. And even though it was getting late and the evening darkness was dropping rapidly through the trees, there was no real reason to think that this truck was anything other than ordinary.

But as he watched, he saw the van slow down and seem to shadow the marching girl. From his spot inside his car, he saw the van stop across from her. Suddenly, he could not see the girl – the van blocked his view.

A moment passed, and then the van abruptly accelerated sharply around the corner, and disappeared into the few twilight moments remaining before night.

He looked again. The girl was gone.

But left behind on the street was the pink baseball cap.

WHAT COMES NEXT

CHAPTER TWO

As soon as the door opened, she knew she was dead. The only questions were: How long did she have? How bad would it be?

It would be some time before she got those answers. Instead, the first minutes were filled with a fierce terror and uncontrollable panic that obscured everything else.

Jennifer Riggins had not immediately turned as the panel truck crept up next to her. She was totally focused on quickly getting to the bus stop slightly more than a half-mile away on the nearest main road. In the careful way she had designed the scheme of her escape, the local bus would carry her to the center of town where she could connect with another bus that would take her to a larger terminal in Springfield, some twenty miles away. And once there, she imagined that she could go anywhere. In her jeans pocket she had more than $300 that she had stolen slowly but surely – five here, ten there – from her mother’s purse or her mother’s boyfriend’s wallet. She had taken her time, collecting the money over the past month, hoarding it in a box inside a drawer beneath her underwear. She had never taken so much at one time that they would notice it; just small amounts that were immediately forgotten. When she had hit her target number, she had known that it was enough to get to New York or Nashville or maybe even Miami or LA, and so, on her last theft early that morning, she had only taken a $20 bill and three $1’s, but she’d added to her stash her mother’s VISA card. She wasn’t sure yet where she was going. Someplace warm, she hoped. But anywhere far away and far different was going to be all right with her. That was what she had been thinking about when the truck pulled to a stop next to her. I can go anywhere I want…

The man in the passenger seat had said, “Hey Miss… could you help me out for a second with some directions?”

This question had made her pause. She had stopped walking and faced the man in the truck. Her first impressions were that he hadn’t shaved in the morning, and that his voice seemed oddly high and filled with more excitement than his ordinary question required. And she was a little annoyed, because she didn’t want to be delayed; she wanted to get away from her home and from her smug neighborhood and from her small boring college town and from her mother and her mother’s boyfriend and the way he looked at her and some of the things he’d done when they were alone and from her awful school and from all the kids she knew and hated and who taunted her every single day of the week. She wanted to get away before it got too dark, but it was still just dark enough so that no one would notice her leaving. She wanted to be on a bus heading somewhere that night because she knew that by nine or ten her mother would have finished calling all the numbers she could think of, and then she might actually call the police, because that was what she had done before. Jennifer knew that the police would be all over the bus terminal in Springfield, so she had to have made her move by the time all that was set in motion. And all these jumbled thoughts flooded into her head, as she considered the man’s question.

“What are you looking for?” Jennifer responded.

She saw the man smile.

That was wrong, she thought. He shouldn’t be smiling.

Her initial guess was the man was going to make some vaguely obscene, sexist remark, something insulting or belittling, a Hi, good-lookin’ you wanna have some fun… lip-smacking nastiness. She was ready for this and ready to tell him to go screw himself and turn her back and keep walking, but she was a little confused, because she looked over the man’s shoulder and saw a woman in the driver’s seat. The woman had a knit watchman’s cap pulled down over her hair, and even though she was young, there was something harsh in her eyes, something very granite-hard, that Jennifer had never seen before and which instantly scared her.

In the woman’s hand was a small, HD video camera. It was pointed in Jennifer’s direction. This made no sense, and confused her.

Jennifer heard the man’s answer to her question, and it confused her further. She had expected he was asking for a neighborhood address or a direct route out to Route 9, but that was not what came out.

“You,” he said.

This made no sense. Why were they looking for her? No one knew about her plan. It was still too early for her mother to have found the false note she’d left stuck with a magnet to the kitchen refrigerator…

And so, she’d hesitated right at the second in time when she should have run furiously hard or screamed loudly for help.

The truck door opened abruptly. The man vaulted out of the passenger seat. He was moving much faster than Jennifer had ever imagined someone could move.

“Hey!” Jennifer said. At least, later, she thought she had said hey but she was uncertain. Maybe she had just frozen. The only thought that went through her head was This can’t be happening and that was followed by this dark, ice sense of dread because she knew right in that second, as she saw something coming at her, what it truly meant.

The man had clubbed her across the face, staggering her. The blow had exploded in her eyes, sending a sheet of red hurt right through her core, and she had felt dizzy, almost as if the world around her had spun on its axis. She could feel herself losing consciousness, reeling back, and crumpling when he grabbed her around the shoulders, holding her from falling to the ground. Her knees felt weak, her shoulders and back rubbery. If she had any strength anywhere, it vanished instantly.

She was only vaguely aware of the panel truck door opening, and of the man bodily rushing her into the back. She could hear the noise of the door slamming shut. The sensation of the truck accelerating around the corner drove her into the steel bed. She could feel the weight of the man crushing her, holding her down. She could barely breathe and her throat was nearly closed with terror. She did not know if she was struggling or fighting, she couldn’t tell if she was screaming or crying, she was no longer alert enough to tell what she was doing. She gasped, as a sudden great blackness came over her, and at first she thought she was already dead, then she thought she was unconscious before she realized that the man had pulled a black pillow case over her head, shutting out the tiny world of the truck. She could taste blood on her lips, and her head was still spinning and whatever was happening to her, she knew it was far worse than anything she had ever known before.

Odor penetrated the pillowcase: A thick oily smell from the floor of the truck; a sweaty, sweet smell from the man pinning her down.

Somewhere, deep within her, she knew she was in great pain, but she could not tell precisely where.

She tried to move her arms and legs, pawing at nothingness like a dog dreaming of chasing rabbits, but she heard the man grunt, “No, I don’t think so…”

And then there was another explosion on her head, behind her eyes. The last thing she was aware of was the woman’s voice, saying, “Don’t kill her, for Christ’s sakes…”

With those words echoing within her, Jennifer slid out of control, tumbling swiftly into a deep, dark fake death of unconsciousness.